Where I have been...

I didn't mean for my last post to be my last one ever. Declan is a perfect little boy. The best son a mother could ask for. The next part of this is very hard for me to write but I want to get it out there so I can help anyone else having these problems.
Right after having Declan I got the "baby blues" but they would not go away. I was not wanting to spend time with Declan, I was afraid to give him a bath and I became easily frustrated with him. I called my OB and went on Prozac. I was diagnosed with Post-partum depression. I stayed out of work for 12 weeks until I felt I was strong enough to go back. Through October and November, things were alright but not perfect. I started having thoughts of suicide but  ignored them thinking they would go away.
One day at work I had a huge trigger and while driving home I felt terrible. I felt worthless, no good, alone, like a terrible mother and I wanted to die. I went to the hospital and I wish I could say I got better after that.
They put me on different meds and kept me there for 5 days. It was the longest time I had been away from Declan and it killed me. I felt better and I went home. I did not return to work. I went to an outpatient day  hab program and I learned many grounding techniques and self-soothing techniques as well.
Unfortunately, the meds did not work for very long and I wound up going back into the hospital for another 5 days for a med change. I felt so useless at this point. I just wanted things to get better and I was starting to give up hope. And on top of that it was more time away from Declan. When I got out of the hospital, I went back to the day hab program.
Then I was finally on the right meds and I made it through February and part of March. I then started feeling uneasy and my mood swings were getting pretty intense. I started an intense outpatient program and that seemed to be helping. It was different than the first one I was in and I liked it. Towards the end of March,the doctor at the day hab increased one of my meds and I started having very awful nightmares involving Declan. I told my doctor at the day hab and she section 12 me and I had to be taken to the hospital.
Here we go again...
I was in this time for 7 days. They changed all of meds again. This time I had given of hope of ever thinking I was going to get better. When I was first diagnosed with post-partum, I was told it would go away once my hormones were back to normal. I have a hard time believing that right now.
It is hard to see the positive in this situation but I was able to because of my family. My family is amazing and I love my son. He is what pulled me through every dark patch. Fred, Declan and I have since moved in with my mother so I could have more support and we would be closer to Fred's parents as well. I have returned back to work and it is nice to have a routine for my day now. Without the support of my family and friends I don't think I would be here today.
Thank you for reading this and not looking at me differently.

Here he comes...

Some things have happened since my last update. I have had 2 more non stress tests and he has looked great. The last appointment I went to the doctor checked me and I was progressing nicely and even dilated to 1 cm, but alas not enough to send me to be induced.

Last Monday, I was at Stop and Shop doing some last minute food shopping and I started having some really intense pains in my stomach. I finished up and went out to my car. The pains were so bad I couldn't drive home at that point. I called Fred and then the doctor. The doctor told me he would send my paperwork to the hospital and to head there, I might be in labor!! I called Fred with the news and he left work to come and get me. I was still having the pains/cramps until I was hooked up to a machine and was laying down...they stopped! The doctor on call came in to check me and said I was not in labor and described what I would feel if I had contractions. Alas, we went home with no baby.

This past Thursday I had my weekly appointment with the OB and he scheduled our induction for Sunday (tonight)!!! Of course I didn't sleep more than about 2 hours last night. I am nervous of the unknown. I have heard that contractions and labor are more intense if you are induced and I have also heard the opposite. I guess it will be nice to finally know what a REAL contraction feels like, seeming as though I thought I had been having them before. Our little guy will hopefully be here tomorrow. My cousin Johnny's birthday is tomorrow (good day).

Here are a few of my wishes for my son: I hope he never gives up. I hope he knows I will always love him no matter what. I hope he knows he will succeed at whatever he puts his mind/heart to. I hope he dreams BIG! I hope he will be the person he wants to be. Declan: I love you so much and I haven't even met you! I can't wait to kiss your face, hold your hands and hug you forever!!

This past week Fred and I went to our appointment with the high risk OB. We had an ultrasound and (drumroll please....) Rusty is perfect. He weighs around 6 lbs 13 oz and is in the 46 percentile. That is fantastic. The doctor had nothing but praise for me. There was no cause for alarm.

We did talk about delivery and she explained that she does not want me to go to 40 weeks and I agree. I want to be able to have a natural delivery but I am not against a C-section. She said my chances of that would greatly increase the closer I got to my due date or even over if we waited for labor to start on its own.

I then had an appointment with my OB and a non stress test and baby looks great. My OB agreed with what the high risk OB said. The plan is...July 21st I have an appointment and Fred and I will be going (with bags packed in the car). I will have a non stress test and be checked out. He said that if I look good he will send me up to be induced. This does not mean we will have a baby at this point but it will get the process started. He said if he doesn't think my body is ready, then he will see me again in a few days and we will try again. I wonder because we have this plan if Rusty will show up before that?? One can only wonder...

And in this corner...Rusty!!!!

The nursery is now 95% complete. All that is left to do is put together the glider and it will be done. This weekend, Fred and I are going to do our last minute shopping of what we need for him that we haven't gotten already.

A few things have changed since my last check in. I am now on insulin 4 times a day. My doctor had increased the medicine to just about the maximum when she thought it would be a good idea to switch me. Now my numbers are all over the place and some have been constantly high. I have been on the insulin for over a week now and I thought it would have regulated by now. The doctor has increased my doses 2 times already. Hopefully things will even out.

This past Tuesday I went for a doctor's appointment and had an ultrasound and a non-stress test. The last ultrasound we had, "Rusty" was measuring in the 56th percentile and looked really proportionate. This time he still was proportionate but weighed 6 lbs 13oz and is in the 80th percentile. I nearly died!! The closer he is to 50 the better. The ultrasound tech reassured me that she had a mobile unit and the measurements might be off. Obviously that didn't help how I was feeling. I was very anxious and scared!!

After the ultrasound, I had a non-stress test and he looked great. It took the nurse a while to get a good position to keep his heartbeat (he is quite a wiggler). But he passed with flying colors. I then had an appointment with my doctor. He informed me due to the weight increase of me (4 lbs which is the first time I have gained) and baby, I will most likely be induced early. I have to come in every week and have a non-stress test now but if in 2 weeks there is an issue with baby, he will induce me. So holy scary!! I knew I needed to be ready but I thought I would have a few more weeks after that. Fred is taking the day off and going with me in case I am sent to the hospital.

I packed the baby and my hospital bag yesterday. Fred is packing his this weekend. We have another ultrasound on Tuesday with the Diabetes doctor. Hopefully he doesn't gain too much weight between now and then. I will update next week.

Oh Boy, oh boy!

There has been a lot that has happened since my last post. We decorated the nursery and put up the Winnie the Pooh decals on the wall. Fred and I had a fun time doing that. We have to put together the changing table and glider and then the furniture in the room will be all set. We still have some stuff gathered at my in-laws and need to bring it home very soon. 

Saturday we had our birthing 101 class. It was informative. I was worried about seeing what birth movie they were going to show but it wasn't bad at all. It didn't make anyone sick. LOL I did find out that birthing process is not what I thought or had seen on shows/movies. I thought once you got to the hospital, you lay in a bed and don't really move around, and that is the position you would have the baby. That is not the case. They encourage you to move around as much as possible and if you don't have an epidural you can birth the baby in any comfortable position you want. I have changed my birth plan and a few things I had thought about once he is here because of this class.

Sunday the Eatons came by and we did a maternity shoot. I had many ideas and I was grateful Luke put up with me as well as he did for it all. He listened and shot away. Fred had a photo in mind and once he explained it, I started crying immediately. He loves that we got our Winnie the Pooh chair for "Rusty". He took the turtle I had made for him (from Timmy), the bear Timmy had made for Fred and the bear Timmy made for me and sat them in the chair together. I loved it!!!! I am so glad he thought of that.

We had a doctor's appointment this week as well.  We had an ultrasound and met with the Diabetes Counselor. "Rusty" is measuring normally and his weight is in the 56% (which is a little high but nothing to be worried about) and he is in the middle weight class weighing in at 4lbs 14oz. Now I understand why the kicks, punches and rolls are so intense!! For one of the pictures, he has his foot up to his head. It is quite humorous. 

How about my day yesterday? I seriously thought we were going to have a baby. I was short staffed at work and decided it would be smart for me to take the students up the 3 flights of stairs to my room (my dr told me no more stairs and should take the elevator). Upon reaching the top flight I started having a contraction. I continued to walk the students to class. Once in class I sat down and waited for it to subside. 10 minutes later, I had another one. I walked around for a bit and was drinking water. I didn't feel well and decided it was time to see the nurse. I went down to my friend Lynn's class and had to sit because I was having another contraction. She brought me down to the nurse. Once in the office for a bit I had had 4 contractions in one hour. This alarmed me but I stayed calm. I called Fred and my mom.

I stayed in the office for a bit and continued to have contractions. I called my dr and they said to come to the office right away. Lynn took me and they hooked me up to the fetal monitor and contraction machine (don't know the technical term). Baby was doing fine but I was worried. I kept saying, "we are not ready" "I am not ready for labor" "He can't come now"! I was scared. But alas, no baby (PHEW!!!) I was extremely dehydrated. The doctor told me my Ketone levels in my urine were very high and that is not good for the baby. He wrote me out of work until Monday due to the weather and my needing to rest. I am very thankful that everything is alright. I need to be smarter about my body and my baby. 

You can't always get what you want...But we did!!!!

Our baby shower was last weekend and was hosted by my mother and mother-in-law. It was amazing!! So many friends and family were there to celebrate with us. The place was great, food was delicious, I heard the cake was amazing (frosting still tastes like soap :(), and the amount of gifts was unbelievable. Everyone was so generous and thoughtful. "Rusty" is going to be the best dressed baby ever!!! Honestly, there is not much more that we have to get (which makes me less anxious). I have to give a special thank you to my cousin Kristina for putting together a most impressive basket. The day that she found out we were pregnant, her shopping spree started. Her basket had to have weighed a good 40 pounds. I couldn't open it all at the shower and was super excited to open it this weekend. One word-AMAZING!!

The nursery is coming along. The crib is finished and now the dresser is put together as well. All we need now is the changing station and glider to be put together and put in the room. I can't wait to put the decals up in his room. The whole theme of the room is Winnie the Pooh and we have 2 foot tall decals of the characters to put on the walls. I will post pictures when the room is complete.

Some things I can't wait for: meeting this little man that keeps tickling me under my ribcage, and to not have to live with pricking my finger 4 times a day. I just want to be able to enjoy a cheeseburger, french fries and shake without having to check my sugar afterwards (actually that sounds really good and I think that might be my first meal once baby is out!!)

I think all the time, what is he going to look like, how is he going to sound, what temperament will he have, is he going to love me, will I make all the right decisions for him, am I going to be a good mom? As I write this, I have a few tears because I have been told that I will be a great mom but I don't know if I will. I know my motherly instincts kicked in soon after I was diagnosed with GD but will it continue? Do other people have these feelings or am I just being an emotional roller coaster?

Are we going to be ready...

My gestational diabetes seem to be somewhat on track with my medicine. The doctor has increased it a few times but I seem to still be having a few spikes a week. Not really sure why because I am sticking to the diet to a T.

I went shopping last weekend and I came home to find that Fred had put together the crib. When I saw it, I immediately started crying and it was a bit overwhelming. I realized that in about 2 months there was going to be a baby living in this room. I keep asking myself if we are going to be able to get our act together and be ready for him to come. Fred is motivated and is doing so much around the house with cleaning and preparing but I am not. I am so tired when I get home from work and on the weekends our schedules have been quite busy. Fred has been taking care of the cleaning and such when I go to bed.

Tomorrow is our baby shower!! I am super excited and can't wait to see family and friends I have not seen in some time. I can't wait to open the presents for "Rusty"!! Pictures will be posted on facebook. :)