I didn't mean for my last post to be my last one ever. Declan is a perfect little boy. The best son a mother could ask for. The next part of this is very hard for me to write but I want to get it out there so I can help anyone else having these problems.
Right after having Declan I got the "baby blues" but they would not go away. I was not wanting to spend time with Declan, I was afraid to give him a bath and I became easily frustrated with him. I called my OB and went on Prozac. I was diagnosed with Post-partum depression. I stayed out of work for 12 weeks until I felt I was strong enough to go back. Through October and November, things were alright but not perfect. I started having thoughts of suicide but ignored them thinking they would go away.
One day at work I had a huge trigger and while driving home I felt terrible. I felt worthless, no good, alone, like a terrible mother and I wanted to die. I went to the hospital and I wish I could say I got better after that.
They put me on different meds and kept me there for 5 days. It was the longest time I had been away from Declan and it killed me. I felt better and I went home. I did not return to work. I went to an outpatient day hab program and I learned many grounding techniques and self-soothing techniques as well.
Unfortunately, the meds did not work for very long and I wound up going back into the hospital for another 5 days for a med change. I felt so useless at this point. I just wanted things to get better and I was starting to give up hope. And on top of that it was more time away from Declan. When I got out of the hospital, I went back to the day hab program.
Then I was finally on the right meds and I made it through February and part of March. I then started feeling uneasy and my mood swings were getting pretty intense. I started an intense outpatient program and that seemed to be helping. It was different than the first one I was in and I liked it. Towards the end of March,the doctor at the day hab increased one of my meds and I started having very awful nightmares involving Declan. I told my doctor at the day hab and she section 12 me and I had to be taken to the hospital.
Here we go again...
I was in this time for 7 days. They changed all of meds again. This time I had given of hope of ever thinking I was going to get better. When I was first diagnosed with post-partum, I was told it would go away once my hormones were back to normal. I have a hard time believing that right now.
It is hard to see the positive in this situation but I was able to because of my family. My family is amazing and I love my son. He is what pulled me through every dark patch. Fred, Declan and I have since moved in with my mother so I could have more support and we would be closer to Fred's parents as well. I have returned back to work and it is nice to have a routine for my day now. Without the support of my family and friends I don't think I would be here today.
Thank you for reading this and not looking at me differently.
